seven months ago i found out about my brother's heroin addiction and it put me in a deep hole. the past several months he battled it and told me how much he wished he never tried it. i made him promise me he'd go to rehab, even though he said he wanted to do it himself, and he did go. it just had too much of a hold on him. yesterday morning he died of an overdose and i feel.. i don't know how to feel right now. i'm pretty sure i'm half way in denial and i'm terrified of going to the funeral because i know i'll have to face it. i can't stop crying, i've been wearing his hoodie and smoking his favourite cigarettes, which make me nauseous, since i found out. i know i can't go back in time but i can't help but think if i hung out with him more, called him more, talked to him more, watched over him more, maybe it could have been different. one, of his two, best friends died of a heroin overdose last summer, and i pray and hope there is a heaven. i pray that he's there now with brandon and tim. and i pray he can hear me when i talk to him. and i pray that he knows how much i love him, how much we love and miss him. and i don't blame him and i hope he knows its not his fault. it just had such a hold on him and it was hard to get away from. i will miss you so much, my little brother.
matthew and craig on new years
i will miss you every second of every day for the rest of my life.